everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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