Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
