Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
