I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
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