there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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