You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
