Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
