I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We need a shit load of segways right now
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
