Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
