why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
