Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
