The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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