Moan for me like Helen Keller
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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