i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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