yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
