I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
