fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
