Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
