Just fell off a train. Bad.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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