Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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