She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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