I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
