he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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