Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
