He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
