it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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