i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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