i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
