i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
