After last night, I could never be a politician.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
