How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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