just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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