when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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