i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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