I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
