You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
