I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
