She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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