...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
