someone get that fucking seahorse.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
