well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We need a shit load of segways right now
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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