Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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