He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
