Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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