I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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