connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
pray to the hookup gods
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
