well I can't set my house on fire every night
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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