If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The best revenge is premature balding
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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