You really coming over, don't trick.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
