dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
