I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
its liver damage thursday
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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